Parenting teens and children can be rewarding as well as frustrating. This is the reality. Add a neurodivergent kid with ADHD, and you’ll find that many traditional parenting approaches and strategies no longer work. What now?
Let’s begin with the problematic statements. How to spot them, what to do to stop them, and how to say them instead to get better results.
“Why can’t we just sit still?”
ADHD can be described as hyperactivity, inattention, and/or impulsivity. ADHD is an executive functioning disorder. Even though you may have done it before, a simple task like sitting still can be challenging. Moving around can help ADHD kids focus mentally. They find it helps regulate and balance their system. Say something instead like “It seems that you are ready for a motion break,” or “Time to get out your wiggles,” or “Let’s go around the house while you practice math facts.”
“Just focus!”
Your child may have a dysregulation disorder. Keeping your attention is a challenge with the inattentive ADHD type. Your child may need to be more focused or disoriented. Telling them to stay focused doesn’t give them the tools to help them. You can help them get back on track by asking, “What are your current projects?” “Let’s practice mindful presence,” or “Do you need assistance getting back to the task?”
Do your homework, and you can watch TV.
ADHD children don’t respond well to punishments, rewards, and consequences. Their minds are focused on the present and need help moving beyond it. ADHD children also have a crisis mode. If they don’t think the matter is that important, if the deadline isn’t over their heads, they use phrases such as “Let’s do your homework in a chunk” or “Go ahead, do five problems, then take a break.” These phrases create urgency and emphasize short-term tasks. This helps them see that they can complete their tasks quickly without feeling overwhelmed.
“Why aren’t you so upset?” Calm down.
ADHD is a disorder of dysregulation. This means multiple functions (thoughts and emotions, behavior, and thoughts) are affected. ADHD children can easily be triggered by seemingly minor things, so telling them to calm down can feel insincere. (It’s okay to admit that you don’t like it when someone says this to you. Instead, say, “I can see that you are upset.” You can also ask for help by saying, “How can I help?” That doesn’t feel right.
“What is taking you so long?”
ADHD can impact many executive functions, including time management. A lot of ADHD kids can’t keep track of their time. Have you ever asked a six-year-old to stay asleep for 20 minutes more? This is an example. It is unrealistic to ask them why they take so long for a simple task. This will only make them feel worse about themselves. Instead, say, “It seems that you need some assistance.” Let’s get it done together. In other words, let them know you have their back.
